Greer reminded me the other day (by his actions) that I haven't been around livejournal in quite a while.  So I guess I need to do some catching up.

1)  I've started back to college...Yes, even at 46, its never too late!  I have been accepted at to the Social Work program at UNLV.  I hope to have my Master's by the time I'm 50 (life permitting...you know how it sometimes gets in the way of the best layed plans).  So, I'm taking Biology this summer to get my feet wet and jumping in full speed for the Fall semester.  Have applied for Voc Rehab, don't know if I'll get it yet, but if not, I'm prepared to go deep in debt (college loans) to see my dream come true.  I wanna be a sex therapist, pretty gutsy, but I know its what I want to do.

2)  Greer and I are still together.  He's still pre-transition (is waiting t heal up some physical problems, shoulder and back) before starting T.  I'd like to say that I've never been happier with a partner / lover / friend, but that might be taking it a little too far.  Greer has some deep depression issues that have been going on for a long time that have put a strain on our relationship. I know I can't fix him. but I think I've been really supportive.  I really do love him and I stlll think he's the best person to ever come into my life.

3)  For myself, my bi-polar disorder / illness / disease / life (I'm not sure which, since the new DSM V came out), is pretty peachy.  Since I started on Lemectol in February, I haven't cycled once!  Hurrah!!!  I've had some Blah days and some pretty 'Energetic' days, but they are just days and rarely occur consecutively.  So far, I haven't had to endure the weeks / months of depression, mania, and 'normal' cycling that have been my bane for the last 13 years.  I feel Great!!!

4)  With my going to school and Greer still pre-T (last time we talked about it, a while ago) we decided to stay in Las Vegas until he completes his transition, then move to Portland, OR as a (dare I say it?) hetero couple.  How cool is that!?  I know he misses the Pacific Northwest and with all my family (except my boys) in Oregon, we're both  looking forward to moving, but I guess we'll just have to suck it up and endure the LV heat until then.

5)  My son, Jeremy, and his wife, Carolyn are happily married (that's pretty easy when they are several thousand miles apart).  Jeremy is in Iraq, still hasn't gotten into too much trouble and loves his work.  He even blew up his own vehicle when they were supposed to be hunting for land mines, not hitting them.  Fortunately, no one was hurt in the 'mishap'.  Carolyn loves being an Army wife and is making lots of new friends in Missouri.  She doesn't like the weather though.  Too much rain and flooding this summer.  Wish we could get some of that!

6)  My younger son, Ian, still won't talk to me.  Now (according to my niece, Danielle) he won't speak to me because I used his college fund, all $4000  of it, the last time I went back to college (12 years ago!).  Considering that he didn't finish 9th grade, I didn't think it was such a big deal.  But I guess he has to have some excuse for not talking to me now, since I'm no longer a drunk and I'm not 'controlled' by medication anymore.  Its been a long time to hold a grudge, but I've been known to hold them even longer, so, for now, I'll just let him be and I hope someday he'll come around.

Well, I guess that about covers everything that's happened over the last few months.  I plan on writing more often and more personally soon.  See you in / on livejournal!!!

 

  My beautiful Grandson, Trace Jeremy DeMar, was born amongst great joy and and a little fear on 19 February at 9:55 pm.  You see an ultra-sound that afternoon revealed that his stomach and intestines were in his chest cavity and not in his absomen, where they belonged. A risky but fixable birth defect.  So we were prepared for emergency surgery to be performed on him immediately after birth.  We were in the best hospital in town for high-risk babies. But our first surprise (a good one) was that he was a BOY and not the little gir , Evinn Julia, that we had expected. We were just happy that he was born> when we asked if he was going to surgery, we got our second (not so good surprise) he was too sick for immediate surgery, but that they were working on him to try to inflate his lungs.  So they intubated him and took him up to the NICU.  Scared but still hopeful several of our friends and relatives returned home since we were told that any surgery would be delayed at least till the next day.Those of us who stayed behind, both Grandma's and Carolyn's sister, Jo Ell,  along with Makenzie,  Jo Ell's  6y/o daughter.  She is profoundly disabled and was blissfully unaware of anything sad / bad happening..  Carolyn was still in recovery, so Jo Ell and I went in search of the NICU.  We found it after a short search and there was a whole team working on little Trace.  We asked for an update and we were told that he was a VERY sick little boy and that while they were still trying to stablize him they were waiting for the neo-natal cardiologist to perform an echo-cardiogram on his tiny heart.  I remember Jo Ell asking how much he weighed and we were told that they were too busy working on him to have weighed him yet, more fear stole into our hearts.  

  Finally, Carolyn was brought out of recovery and sent to a regular hospital room.  At this point we two Grandmas went in search of Trace again.  This time after scrubbing in we were taken into the NICU where the lead Doctor came to speak to us.  The echo cardiogram had revealed a severly under-developed heart and that his lungs were not grown enough to support his own oxygen needs.  At this point the Doctor asked Us GRamdma's to make a choice, to keep working on him to a probably unsuccessful result or to leave him with a few hours of peace with his mother.  Carolyn's mother chose peace as the choice that Carolyn would make.  I wanted to scream, "No save my grandbaby!", but I saw the look in the Doctor's eyes and I knew that there was no hope for little Trace. So I too agreed with Carolyn's mother and they stopped working on Trace and began to prepare him to meet his Mother.  We Grandmas went back to Carolyn's room and told her the sad news, shortly they brought Trace to us and we all loved him and held him and took pictures of our tiny beautiful baby.  I stayed for about an hour watching our little boy turn bluer and bluer until I just couldn't bear it any more.  I just couldn't stay until he died, so at 2:10 am I said my goodbyes and kissed little Trace farewell.  By the time I got home he had died.  I'd been burning up the phone lines all night and with my final calls my grief struck like it never had before.

  It's now been a day and a half since Trace died and the time has come for me to come to some kind of resolution in my own heart.  I know that his spirit will move on to a new life somewhere / somewhen.  I believe he was brought to us not because he had any lessons to learn but to teach us a lesson in love and loss.  I've been through some pretty traumatic experiences in my life but this is the hardest lesson I've yet faced. His mother and father willl have to face this loss apart for now as Jeremy is away at Basic Training in Missouri, but for Carlyn,I'm not sure the reality has set in.  Whenever I try to talk to her her response is, "I'm fine...". but I know that I'm not fine so how can she be?  I'll be there for her as she faces the prospect of moving on in her life once she is out of the hospital.  

                                                      Trace Jeremy DeMar, born. 19 February 2008, died 20 Feburuary 2008 3Lbs 15 ozs
                                                                                                             forever in our hearts.

                                                                                         


My son and daughter-in-law have decided to keep the name Evinn J. DeMar for the baby after all.  It's what Carolyn called him throughout her pregnancy and so Evinn is what she wants to remember him by.  Oh, and the Army gave Jeremy five days bereavement leave, so he is now at Carolyn's side.

 I guess that the thing I have the most problems describing is my future career choice.  I'm a 45 y/o woman, and when I grow up, I want to be a registered/licensed sex therapist.  When I tell people about what I want to be they inevitably teehee behnd their hands and then ask me if I'm going to particpate, physically, in my practice.  Even my partner will pipe in with a "Hands Off!", whenever the question comes up in casual conversation.  I guess its because I was very promiscuous during my hetero years, and am still an adventureous and eager soul in the bedroom.  I've been a lesbian and am now partnered with a Female to Male transgendered person.  I've found sexual satisfaction and joy with every person I've ever been with and one of my personal mottos is "love the person, not the package...".  If I can help just a few people to reach their sexual confidence and maturity then my career wil not be a job, but a passion.  Another piece of my dream is to teach and to be a professional student.  As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I'll have my Master's degree and therefore I'll be will be able to teach at the community college level and I'll be able to pursue my diverse interests by continuing to go to school myself.   I know it sounds like a lot, but if I limit both my practice and my teaching to part-time, then I'll also have plenty of time to go to school and to travel a bit too.

Well, I discovered an extra $100 in the household account, so we can buy some necessaries, like food and cat food and gasoline.  Everyone here is still asleep.  YEAH!  So I can do some writing, if I can figure out what to write about.  Let's check in on Niki first.  Mind.... wide awake and ready for the day's challenges,  Body....All in running order except for the arthritis in my neck.  I am going to ask Becca for a massage today.  Heart....still in love with my honey.  I'll be surrounded by those I love all day so if Sara's up to speed, emotionally, it should be a very pleasant day.   Spirit....wish I'd had some time for meditation today... but I've got my knitting to help me to achieve some measure of peace before everyone wakes up.   All in all I'm in pretty good shape for the day ahead of me.

Maybe I'll take all the girls to Rite-Aid today to pick out some cheap pretties.   Their going out of business sale is now up to 25 - 50% off and I can use some new nail polish and makeup and I'll bet the girls would like some new polish too...Maybe we can have a manicure/ pedicure day!  With the massage thrown in maybe I can improve on my spiritual fitness as well as my body image...."I'll feel pretty, oh so pretty, so pretty and witty and wise!..."  I guess that so far, I'm in a pretty good mood! So let's leave it at that and go do some knitting on my Grand-baby's blanket.

 I don't know why, but whenever I read my tarot cards, I always do three readings.  I think it might have something to do with it just feeling right and somehow balanced.  Anyway, today's readings were gloomy to say the least, except where employment was concerned.  Even though they predicted a financial windfall, they also said that there were financial difficulties ahead.  I am expecting to get enough money to dig myself out from under the hole I'm in the next week.  If the employment picture looks good, I don't see how I could get into more financial trouble  Also, the Fool showed up in all three spreads signifying, amongst other things, foolishness and eccentricity,  This indicates to me that I am going to go manic again and it's not time yet.  I just got over a manic episode last week and the only thing I can think that might cause another this soon is that fact that I started a new mood stabliizer this week.  I think I'll take some preventative measures and give control of the household accounts to Greer when the money comes in.  Let him pay all the bills and put the rest in his savings where I can't get to it.   Then have him withdraw the money monthly for use in the household account.  I just talked to him about it and he said that would be okay with him.  I didn't tell him why I wanted him to do it, he'd probably laugh if I told him I was asking him because of a tarot reading.  But he'll probably get a good laugh anyway since he reads all my posts.  On the bright side of the reading there were indications of deep and abiding love in my life, both present and future.  So I can be thankful for that as I'll always take being surrounded by the people I love over money any day, although money helps.

Well, I guess that's all for now, although I am continuing to worry about the Fool showing up in all three readings.

So I'm disabled and haven't worked in 10 years...So What!!!  I'm ready to work Now and I am able!  But so far, no takers.  When I haven't admitted to being disabled no one wants to hire me because I haven't worked in 10 years. So I got my Ticket To Work from Social Security and started to contact contractors who are SUPPOSED to help disabled workers re-enter the work force and guess what?!  Many of them will not work with me because of my specific disability.  Others said it didn't sound like I was ready to work full-time and they only worked with those who were ready for full-time work.  How am I supposed to know if I can work full-time if no one is willing to give me a try!  Others recommended me to my state Voc Rehab Office (I have an appt on Mar 7, too far away to suit me).  When an employer has said that they are willing to hire the disabled, they still don't want to hire me because I am not "physically" disabled.  If I'm physically able and mentally able what's the big deal.  Others don't want to hire me because of my age.  I'm not cute enough and young enough!

I'm basically looking for three types of work.  Either as a Management and Employee trainer, A Patient Advocate, or even simply a Food Server or Hostess.  I love working with people and I have experience in all three settings.  I even found a job opening for a Patient Advocate and Customer Service Trainer at a major hospital here in town, but if you've read my previous posts you'll know the difficulties I've had filling out that application.  I'm going to try again today if I can get out of this funk.  So I'm going to watch "Ratatouille", work on the baby's blanket and try to get motivated.  Wish me luck!

 Seriously, though my favorite poem is "Le Morte de Arthur", by Sir Thomas Malory.

 I remember reading this poem when I was very young, around four or so.  It was from a book of children's poems that had been my mother's (circa 1950).  It's not really my favorite poem but I remember it everytime I cook peas.

                 I eat my peas with honey,
                 I've done it all my life.
                 It makes the peas taste funny,
                 But it keeps them on my knife!

Always being the precocious child that I was, I remember asking my mother, "Why would the peas taste funny, if he'd done it all his life?".

So I'm not so precocious now, I couldn't figure out how to put this in the answer box!
 

 I love lj..  Today I made a new friend in Australia and joined the featured community 'thenicestthings'...  What a wonderful way to start my day!!!

So I find the perfect job for me being advertised in the paper on Wednesday.  Its for a Customer Service Trainer and Patient Advocate at one of the major Hospitals here in town.  I look at the job description and its right up my alley.  So I go online to fill out the app and boy is it long!  I work on it for about 4 hours then all of a sudden it blows up in my face!..I've no idea why, but it almost makes me cry...so, by then I'm so frustrated and depressed that I lay down for awhile.  I get up, talk to a friend and with my hope restored tackle the app again, this time watching closely for anything to go wrong and it does!  Yahoo thinks that an acronym that I am using is in a foreign language and cuts into my work, tries to decipher it, comes up empty, and then asks me if I want to return to the page I'm on.  I say yes and it sends me back to the beginning...nothing was saved!!!  Urgh!!!  Now I am mad and its coming up on 2 in the morning so I figure the Gods really don't want me to do this...

So, I really need a job any job...i spend the next day looking for a job, any job...I call about a waitress position on my way to the eye docs and find out that it is a prank posting on craigslist...so I come home and make plans to call the Cookie Factory about a Valentine's temp job at 8 am this morning.  I get up early (actually one of my cats, Bandit, gets me up earlier than I'd planned) and log on to my e-mail and guess what?..The JOB is back!!! so do I try again?  If I do, I'm trying to figure out a way to keep all my info saved and then just plug it into the blocks 'cause not all the info they want is in my resume (they want some personal info that's not appropriate for a resume and explanations that just don't fit there).  So what do I do?!  All I can think is to try again, this time, hopping back and forth into my word processor to type out all the info then when I get to the end of the app cut and paste the stuff into the appropriate blocks.  What a tedious way to do things.  Or, I could write down all the Q's, plug the Answers into my word processor then transfer them into a fresh app...Again, very tedious...Oh, what to do???