Well this summer term has been so rough on me, so bad that I thought I was having a heart attack mid way through the term.  I spent 3 days in the hospital while they ran all of the standard hear function tests.  Fortunately every thing came out mostly okay.  I do have Angina and Diabetes (according to the hospital) so I have some major life changes ahead of me.  I don't need meds for my diaetes at this point, but I have already altered my diet (which is kind of expensive) a lot less carbs and a lot more veggies, protein, and fruits.  The fruits are kind of fun since everything is in season right now.  It makes for some fabulous fruit salads.  I'm supposed to check my blood sugar every other day, except that I don't have any more test strips and since my personal physician doesn't think I have diabetes, she won't prescribe for them.  I got a testing machine at the hospital, but the strips are $50 for 50 strips...Way out of my budget zone.

Speaking of budgets, mine is desperately in the hole.  I could only pay half of all my utility bills in order to have some money for groceries, pet supplies, smokes, and gasoline.  I have to make it until august, when things will be even worse. I can't wait to get my student loan money in early September.  I am expecting some money to come into my hands ($260) for Rachel's plane ticket, from her father and Michele told the dealership to sell the car by mid-July ( I hope, I hope, I hope).  Michele has been helping out as much as she can, but she has less than $150 disposable income per month.  If none of this money comes through, especially the car sale, then I am screwed about going to see Greer in August.  That would break both of our hearts.

Greer and I.  He seems in much better spirits now that he has a job.  Its not enough to pay all his bills though so I'm going to have to supplement his income by $400 per month at least that's a lot less than the $1000 or more that I was sending him.  I'm really looking forward to seeing him and to see how well he is taking care of himself.  I still love him so much that my heart aches every time I think of him.  But he still hasn't been able to start any kind of counseling, nor made any new friends or met up with old ones.  He spends a lot of time talking to Tressa and I think that is where he has been getting the extra money he's needed to get by.  If he has been, I'm not going to supplement him paying her back.  Hr'll have to figure that out himself.  Because he has been on an upward swing emotionally and physically, I'm starting to lean towards moving up there in December.  A lot depends on my school situation at the time.

School in the future is way up in the air.  It was recommended by the admissions board that I NOT be admitted to the social work field.  The BSW coordinater agreed with them and I thought my case was lost.  However, I managed to convince the BSW coordinator to let me present my case directly to the board.  They turned me down based on my personal history and my desire to become a sex therapist.  The coordinater tried to push me off into an MFT, but I told her no, that I wouldn't be employable by any government agency or east of Utah.  MY VA counselor agreed with me and so she sent a letter of reference to the board yesterday.  Hopefully it helps, my Spanish teacher was also going to send a letter to the board.  I need to prepare my statement to the board so that I don't cry while speaking to them.  I don't know what I'll do with myself If I don't get into the program, my mind just keeps drawing a blank.  If all esle fails, I can make a case for my disabilty being a determining factor in their decisions.  Which just happens to be quite illegal for any college that receives federal funds.  I don't know if that is how I want to be admitted though.  I may look into the University of Portland Social Work requirements and see if there is a semester's worth of of classes that I can take before being admitted and if they'll allow me to meet the Spanish requirement during my social work practicums.  Its just all so confusing.

Me, I've been really depressed by the whole thing.  I've had to make up a Self Care Checklist so that I can keep focused on me for the rest of the summer.  It seems really childish, but it is necessary for me to see my progress as I inch (I hope) out of this hole I have been in ever since I was in the hospital.  I'm still scared to start walking again even though my Doc gave me permission to start light exercise. 

Well here's to another journal article all about what's been happening to me rather than about my feelings, hopes and dreams.  As journaling is on my daily checklist, maybe I'll improve on my writing about those pieces of my life.

Oh, by the way, despite my financial troubles right now, I'm seriously considering buying a used BMW roadster.  They have one in Palm Springs that I've been drooling over and that I should be able to afford once my bankruptcy is finalized, michele starts getting her student loan money and I get my student loan money in early September, if not sooner.  It all depends on when the VA pays for my classes.  I'm hoping that it won't be at the last minute, but who knows with everthing hinging on me getting into the Social Work Program. 

Enough for now....

I've almost finished my first year back to college and here i am stuck in crisis mode again...Right now its so bad that i'm numb,..between school, work, home, and greer being gone i thought i would crack, but i guess that i've reached a level of acceptance that either everything will get done or it won't...i'm even prepared to take an extra summer class if I fail my psych class...which right now is a distinct possibility...one of my classes is finished, another i don't have a final in, but do have a long research paper due next tuesday (i haven't even started it yet!).  I also have a group project due in psych class and another paper due in lit.  then two finals, psych and lit on the 5th of May...I've got everything set up now all i need to do is follow through...i think...life is not all about school now either, on thursday it take your child to work day, so i am taking sara to work with me that morning...there's an cultural equality fair thurs night where i could possibly make some contacts closer to my age in the GLBTQ community..i think thats something i've been needing for a long time...greer is getting settled in Portland, but i worry about the money issues we will face...he hasn't started looking for a job yet because he has to fly back here to testify in a felony case on the 30th...i was sort of hoping that he would flood the market with resumes before he came down so that he could be available to work immediately after the trial...but he's very much tied up in the hockey play-offs, getting himself and Silly on a schedule, and setting up his apartment...he also needs some get back in touch with portland time...he's trying to find a balance in his mind and spirit now that he's 'home'...i just can't keep supporting him if he takes much longer to get back in the swing of things.  I've got to get some personal things taken care of that are going to require some accumulated savings of my own...i can't wait for finals to be over and to have 3 weeks before summer school starts...disneyland here i come!!!! 

Today I'm sad.  My honey is moving back to Portland to try to salvage his sanity.  Where we go from here is up to him, as I can't keep living like this.  So I'm giving him some space, in a place where he says he feels at home.  I want to stay connected but I'm afraid of losing his because of the depression he suffers.  What if he can't find a job?  What if he doesn't get the mental health care he needs?  How will he feel about himself when I'm supposed to move to OR to join him in December?   I'm hoping that he will feel better and still want me in his life when that time comes.  Right now, I'm not sure what to think.... 

Hi I'm Niki and I just wanted to give you a brief intro...I too am looking for some maturity in this forum.  I'm 46, didn't find the lesbian me 'til I was 42.  I love being a lesbian but am currently in a relationship with a pre-T FTM who wants to pass as hetero once he fully transitions.  I'm not sure I want to give up being a lesbian.  I can handle ID'ing as Queer, but don't want the hassles from other men that I will face if I go 'straight'' again.  I've told my partner that I would go along with the straight/hetero facade if he was still available to me in bed...i don't want him to go 'stone' on me (he's keeping the best part so why not enjoy it?).  He also wants to abandon the GLBTQ community after he can pass as a male.  I feel that is wrong.  Since we are an older couple, I think we could be an asset to the community  I'm in college right now so that eventually I can become a sex therapist.  When I do, I want my focus to be on the GLBTQ community and I won't be able to do that if he doesn't want to associate any more.

Thanks for being here for me, I'm in Las Vegas if anyone out there lives nearby, since I am not the clubbing type...heck, I probably wouldn't even know where to begin looking.  In some ways, I'm still a lesbian virgin...

   I have two spirit animals, although it would probably be impertinent to call one of them an animal.  The first spirit animal that I feel close to are the Bonobo Monkeys, a close relative to the chimpanzee.  They walk upright most of the time, are highly intelligent and are the only creatures, besides man that has sex for fun.  Because of their sexual practices, they are non-aggressive and are very playful.  No Bonobo monkey has ever been known to kill another.  So they are sex happy pacifists, just like me!!!

   My second spitit entity is the fairy.  I believe that they used to inhabit the earth but became extinct through the predations of man.  They live on as spirits or perhaps live in another dimension that periodically passes through ours.  I identify with fairies because they were fanciful,bright and could create the reality that they chose.  I believe that they are high-spirited and prone to high humor.  If I listen carefully, especially when I let my inner child out to play, they will whisper to me of things to come and give me hope for my future.

I'm BACK!!!  At least i hope so.  I've been gone way too long and so I thought I'd better start writing again, if only to save my own sanity.  My last (never finished) post was in October when I took a major emotional header and had to take 2 weeks off of school.  I recovered from my absences and came out of the semester with two A's and 2 B's.  This semester has started out pretty rocky because I allowed myself to get too wrapped up in Greer's emotional wallow.  He hopes to fix it by moving back to Portland.  He'll probably leave in mid-March, because I think he wants to be there for his b-day on the 18th.  I don't think he even knows or cares that our anniversary is that week too.  I think he just wants to get there and just wants out of here.  That hurts, but what can I do?  I want him to be happy and if he'll get some therapy and a job, in a place that he likes,  I just hope there is still a chance that maybe he will get better.  I'm supposed to join him in December (the soonest I can transfer schools).  He said he would wait to start T until I got there because I really want to be there when he truly starts his transition.  That's probably not PC, since he already sees himself as 'he', but over the last two years identifying as male with no move towards starting transition has me wondering.  My less than wise money management has him somewhat apathetic towards me.  He doesn't have the gumption to get angry anymore, at least as far as I can tell.  I know that's probably not fair to him, but I'm just suggesting a possible cause.  Depression.  The people that I talk to are full of questions about why after the last 20 months of depression, I'm still with him.. The truth is that I love him and I've done everything I could to make his life easier here in Vegas, but no luck.  So we'll try this long distance thing and see what happens.  In a way, I'm kind of looking forward to re-sparking the romance of a long distance relationship.  We'll see if the heart truly does grow fonder.  Well, I've wandered and rambled on long enough.  More coming soon...

Well, I finally started back to college AND I got hired as a substitute teacher for the school district.  I'm doing great in all my classes except one, my speech class.  Not that I'm afraid of public speaking (I've done it all my life), but that the lecture part of my class has over 160 people in it.  I sit in the front row so I don't have to see all those people, but I still get anxious and tend to panic.  I don't do crowds very well.  I take my anxiety meds before class but they don't help much and they make me a little woozy.  Wednesday I had to hang around the campus for a couple of hours after class before I felt safe to drive.  Not COOL!!!  But, I made it through and after the Lectures are done, we'll be split up into groups of 25 - 27 to work on our speeches and to present them.  I can handle that.  My Women's Studies class has a fun professor whose husband is a museum curator.  My Economics class is tailored specifically to social workers and the prof is very egocentric, but I can handle that.  Finally, my Social Work professor is also head of the Social Work Bachelor's Program  and has offered to help help me with class choices and with working on adding a minor to my degree program.  That's all for now.  I'll keep everyone posted!

 I chose 'taoistfairy' because I'm on a spiritual path, following the teachings of Lao Tsu and I chose 'fairy' because I believe in fairies.  I do, I really really do!!! No (becoming serious now), I chose fairy because I believe they and other 'magical' creatures once existed on this sphere of ours, but were driven out because of man and his technology.  I sincerely hope that they are yet on another plane that I will someday visit during my spiritual reincarnations.

 I can't figure out how to look at somebody else's pics...So will try to post them here...


Evinn J. DeMar 19 Feb 2008 - 20 Feb 2008
May he be re-born into a new and more beautiful world.




Jeremy and Carolyn - Newlyweds 19 Apr 2008




The Sara Bear - Halloween 2007



Danielle - The bestest niece in the world!!!


There, that's better!!!

 Just uploaded some new pictures...Especially the ones of Evinn and Sara...